


i lose my grip ( like a flying trapeze )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: All of the tags before this one are mentioned/thought of/referenced, Blood, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Episode Fix-it, Evan ‘Buck’ Buckley had an Eating Disorder, Except for panic attacks, F/M, Getting Together, Happens once near the end, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Subconscious Self Harm, blink and you miss it - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-23 22:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21088715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post episode 3x04 coda / fix-it fic. Buck is suing Bobby and the city, and he completely expects to be alone. But he's not, even when he can't sleep, can't eat, just wants to drink, he's not alone. And he comes to realize that in the middle of the night, when he'sfinallyallowed to talk and to explain himself and let everything out.





	i lose my grip ( like a flying trapeze )

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. Holy _fucking damn_ wow. I did not expect my second fanfiction into this fandom to be this long, lol. Or be this _hard_ to write. I've been writing this since Tuesday, early morning, and it wasn't easy, but I am so damn proud of it. So damn proud, and I hope you guys enjoy. Please stay safe while reading though, and watch for the triggers mentioned above. The triggers aren't super specific - briefly mentioned in passing a few times while in deep thoughts, but there nonetheless. The panic attack (only one) is near the end, in a blink and you miss it kind of way where a character realizes they're not breathing properly but is then immediately helped out. I hope you guys enjoy. Also, this isn't beta-edited. I had no patience for that, lol.
> 
> Also, here is the playlist I had going while writing. It's up to you if you want to listen while reading.
> 
> 1\. Waves - Dean Lewis  
2\. Head Above Water - Avril Lavigne  
3\. Walk on Water - Eminem ft. Beyonce  
4\. Demons - Imagine Dragons  
5\. Come Alive - High Jackman (The Greatest Showman Soundtrack)  
6\. Sleep on the Floor - The Lumineers  
7\. Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears  
8\. Doesn't Really Matter - Platinum Blonde  
9\. Palace - Sam Smith  
10\. Stronger - Kelly Clarkson

The waves rise high above his head, and all Buck feels is numb - numb because he knows that he’s not going to be able to swim over this wave, the crescendo of it too big for him. Numb, because he knows he’s never going to find Christopher, and he’s failed Eddie for being unable to find his best friends’ kid. Numb, because he’s made so many mistakes, and it’s too late to fix them. Numb, because Buck knows just how  _ tired _ he is - how tired he’s been, having been searching for Christopher for hours without having been able to find him. And as the wave begins to form over him, he finds himself letting go, letting his body be taken by the wave as it cascades over him, water trampling him down, deeper and deeper underneath everything that’s happened. His body hits the road, slides against it with the waves that follow, a thin layer of skin coming off in its wake. Buck doesn’t mind, knows it’s too late for him, there’s no hope as he can feel himself struggling to breath, unable to swim upwards, the water pressure against him too heavy. He doesn’t want to give up, doesn’t want to stop looking for Christopher, but with each second that passes, he’s being taken further and further back from where he ended up, closer to where he started, and then past the truck and the people he knows are there. He’s out at sea, he’s positive, debris hitting his body as he screams under the water, everything within him struggling to get up, swim,  _ fight Buck _ , but he can’t. He can hear Christopher asking where did all the water go, and he lets out a choke of  _ something _ , because he’s failed Eddie, failed Christopher, and it pains him to know he’s never going to see either of them ever again. His legs kick, his arms punch, but it’s too much, and even when he breaks the surface for one glorious moment, another wave hits him and he’s down under, right in the middle of a huge breath. He swallows water, and it burns, god it burns so much, but just like when he was trapped under a damn fire truck, there’s nothing he can do. He lets out another scream, swallows more water, but then he can feel his body stopping - can feel himself losing the inevitable fight as he drowns, not surprised that it’s by water, not with his history with the element. He tries to take one more breath, but his eyes close, and his body falls limp, and his heart slows.

Gasping, Buck sits up in his bed, trying to regain his breath as fingers curl inwards, clutching the sheets. His eyes are wide as he thinks about the nightmare he’s had tonight, before he turns towards his alarm clock and lets out a small groan, falling back against the headboard of his bed before his hand comes up to rub his forehead in frustration. He’s been sleeping for barely ninety minutes, and there’s been another nightmare. It’s been nearly three weeks since the tsunami happened, since he lost Christopher and felt like his world was ending - three weeks since Eddie proved him otherwise, but he still gets the nightmares. And while they’re usually about the tsunami, Buck remember’s having a few about the plane crash a while back, and even worse, nightmares about when he was growing up, his head held down and his father -- he shakes his head, letting out a breath of frustration as he tries to dislodge the memories coming up. The nightmare is slowly beginning to slip away, memories taking its surface but Buck blinks, looks up at his ceiling before sitting up and rubbing his face, exhaustion settling through his system. It’s not even two in the morning, and he knows he’s not going to be getting any more sleep tonight. Knows it like the way he knows that he’s slipping into a depression, knows it like he knows that he hasn’t seen most of his family in what feels like forever because of the fact that he’s  _ suing _ the god damn city, and Bobby and -- yeah, he knows it’s only been about a week, but  _ still _ , everything inside of him fucking hurts and --

A small sob breaks free, and he places his head in his hands, trying to breath through the pain in his chest as he thinks back to earlier in the week. He had been so angry, so  _ hurt _ when he had gone to visit the firehouse on his break to give Cap the results of his report and had seen his name taped over, like he was nothing to the people he considered everything. It was bad enough that they still joked about him, still thought of him as stupid and immature and god knew what else but to see just how much they didn’t need him, how much they didn’t miss him, how  _ replaceable _ he truly was -- and how they didn’t even think to try and comfort him (not like he would ever admit to needing it, admittedly, but thats not something he wants to think about)

He could handle that though, even if it meant having to handle seeing Eddie let someone call him  _ Diaz _ , which, what? Part of him wanted to call his best friend that, see why there was a difference, why someone he barely even knew could call him that, and have him respond. But -- he wasn’t that petty, he knew. And so what if Eddie didn’t go to him for help, or tell him about Christopher’s nightmares -- something that Christopher mentioned to him briefly, when Buck had snuck around to talk to the little dude about what he was doing, to try and explain that it wasn’t Christopher’s fault, that Buck would  _ always _ love him and be there for him, no matter what, but this was something that had to be done so he could move on, so he could become confident again. And Christopher, the brilliant kid that he was, had understood and had done so much for him, but --

Gods, he missed them. He missed his family, missed Eddie, and Christopher and  _ Maddie _ , so god damn much. But he knew that this was going to happen when he went through with the lawsuit, knew that he wouldn’t be able to see them because of it. Knew that he was probably proving Bobby right with his mental health capacity, but at this point, Buck just didn’t care. He was hurt that Bobby didn’t have faith in him, that someone he saw as a father figure was essentially holding him back - there was so much hurt going around, Buck thinks. And he knows, in the dead of the night like tonight, that he should have gone to Bobby, and his team, and should have explained how he was feeling and why he was feeling that way, but it wasn’t something easy. Hell, he could barely tell Maddie when he was younger about his insecurities, and now -- same with now, admittedly. He could barely tell her now.

And now he was completely alone, and it wasn’t even two in the morning, and his nightmares were getting worse as the days wore on. He stopped drinking, though yeah, the urge to continue was still very much there, but Buck knew he couldn’t. Not if he wanted to get better, not if he wanted to prove he could do this. And he knew he could. He’s been through hell and back, seen so much trauma forced onto himself, that -- that while he missed everyone, no one had even tried to break the ‘it’s best if you don’t have contact with them’ guideline, which just proved how replaceable he truly was. Because surely, if they cared, they would’ve tried. They would’ve texted or called or come to visit or  _ something _ but instead, he’s been left alone, and every insecurity he’s ever had has been proven more than once. Not even his sister has tried reaching out to him in the week and a half since Buck gave Bobby the papers, and everything hurts, and another sob breaks free as he pushes what hair he has back, his chest aching with the pain of being truly alone, something he hadn't felt since he was a teenager and abandoned and dealing with his father, and --

Gasping once more, Buck forces himself up from the bed, forces himself through the motions of going to the washroom and turning on the faucet, water in his hands as he splashes his face, his mind remembering the waves, and the taste and he closes his eyes, tries not to fall back into somewhere dark, though he wonders if it’s truly too late for that. When he finally opens his eyes, he looks at himself in the mirror, sees how sunken in his eyes have become and lets out another breath, turning away from everything (and everyone) and making his way to his kitchen. He opens his fridge, wants to grab a beer but instead he just stares at the near emptiness of the inside of it, a few leftovers sitting in containers from when he had actually been feeling better, feeling like he was on top of the god damn world. Part of him can’t remember how long the leftovers have been sitting in his fridge, wonders if maybe he should throw out the food and just not eat. But he knows that that’s unhealthy, and he’s trying to be healthy. Trying to not let anything more trigger him into something deeper, something he can’t exactly come back from.

Letting out another breath, Buck shuffles closer, wraps his arms around his waist briefly as cold shoulders through his entire body, before he opens one of the containers and sniffs it, not sure if it smells right or wrong or is teetering on the edge. He’s hungry though, doesn’t remember the last time he truly ate something (and yeah, he knows, healthy habits, but  _ fucking shit _ ) and he decides to just take the risk, and moves backwards, closing the door of the fridge and heading towards his microwave. It’s not like he’ll be sleeping anytime soon, anyways, he thinks. Maybe the food will help him move on.

(Who is he kidding. He’s never going to be able to move on. Not how he wants to, at least. Not when he misses his family, not when they’re not really his family, not when everything is just so  _ wrong _ ). 

He doesn’t realize he’s put his food in the microwave and re-heated it until there’s an incessant beeping interrupting his thoughts, and Buck finds himself blinking in confusion, staring down at the appliance before letting out another breath and rubbing his face. He’s too tired for this, too tired to do much, he knows, but what else can he do - he’s lost everything, and even though he knew what he was doing, it still hurts, and his mind goes back to the times where it’s hurt like this before -- where he feels completely out of his body, out of control, spiraling like there’s no way to stop.

Shaking his head, he puts the food down onto the counter, lets out a small growl at himself. He doesn’t want to get caught in these memories, doesn’t want to go down memory lane and remember Maddie leaving, or his Mom leaving, and then his Dad, and the water, and the inability to breathe, even after he himself left, ran away. It’s like the water has been following him, chasing him, ever since he was a teenager. And that’s not something he wants to think about right now, or ever.

But ever since the tsunami, and losing Christopher -- his life has been hell. He was so positive that after the fire truck falling on him, after his leg being crushed, after rehabbing to the best of his ability -- over his ability, admittedly, things would get better but instead, everything seems like it’s just gotten worse and Buck doesn’t know what to do with that. He thought he was doing so well - he had aced his tests, had been cleared to come back, had everything going for him, and then he had a pulmonary embolism and his life had spiraled once more. Depression was a bitch, he knew this, and he tried so damn hard to do something about it, but nothing was working, and no one was understanding and Buck didn’t understand why no one understood (Bobby especially) but then Eddie was there, and Christopher was there, and he thought maybe something good could come out of it. Something great, even.

And then he failed spectacularly. And it hurt, so damn much. But then he pulled himself up, got himself better. And sure, he’s still having nightmares, and still unable to shower properly or drink water, or clean the dishes in his house - hence the takeout - but he was getting better. He  _ was _ . And then he was cleared by his doctor’s and the LAFD doctors and everything seemed perfect.

And then all hell broke loose once more, and here he was, two in the morning, mourning the loss of his family because they hadn’t realized - they hadn’t tried to help, and he didn’t have them anymore. Sure, it hurt, having to go through with the lawsuit. But he respected himself too much to not do so, and if he didn’t already have his family, he had nothing to lose. Other than Christopher. But….

_ Fuck,  _ Buck finds himself whispering, rubbing his face once more, closing his eyes and placing his hands against them, turning them into fists until there’s pressure against them and all he’s seeing in the darkness of closed eyes is stars. He’s had no contact with pretty much anyone in his life - hasn’t tried reaching out either, because he doesn’t know if he could handle the idea of everyone hating him for just trying to stand up for himself, and Buck finds himself so damn lonely. He looks at his food, blinking as the silence of the night rises upon him before he pushes the container away and walks to his couch, sitting down on it instead. He feels tense, feels like he’s just waiting for something in him to snap and he doesn’t…. Buck hasn’t felt like this since he was a teenager and his hands curled into fists, his nails cutting into his palms as he remembers the pain he felt when his Mom left, and then Maddie, and then his Dad took everything out on him and Buck --

A knocking on his door jolts Buck out of his thoughts, and not a moment too soon, admittedly, but his eyebrows furrow as he wonders who in the hell would be knocking on his apartment door this late into the night. Slowly getting up, Buck heads towards his door, wondering who could possibly be there as more knocks come, louder and louder with each knock. It almost feels like an eternity before he’s opening the door to his home, blinking in surprise when he notices Maddie in front of him, wearing her pyjamas like it’s an everyday occurrence. He opens and closes his mouth, not too sure what to say when his eyes notice movement and snap to attention, blinking once more when he notices Chim, and then Hen and even Eddie, which --

“What the hell?” He questions, still blinking as his older sister folds her arms in front of her chest and gives him the patented Buckley gaze of disappointment. It’s the same one his mom used to give him whenever she was disappointed in him for doing something and it’s the same look his dad would give him right before it turned into something darker, something Buck knew he had to look out for, and his body tenses subconsciously, something Maddie notices immediately, and he’s grateful for her because she relaxes immediately, and gives him a small smile, and while he’s still confused, he steps aside and sucks back a breath, wondering what’s going on that nearly everyone is here. He watches as everyone makes their way into his home, watches as Maddie looks around and notices the mess, frowns, and looks towards him and he shrinks in on himself before she steps towards him, arms opened, letting him know he can always turn away as she steps closer.

But he doesn't because he’s lonely, and he’s missed having human contact and he’s missed his sister, damn it, so he falls into her arms and nearly breaks into sobs. Instead, he takes deep breaths, listening as everyone gets comfortable in his home, and someone begins cleaning the mess he left. He can feel her tighten her hold on him before she loosens it, and he knows it’s time to step away from her, which he does, but finds himself having a hard time doing so, hands coming up wipe at his eyes before her frown becomes more distinguishable.

“Chim, can you get me a cloth?” She asks and he nods, and Buck doesn’t get it until she’s wiping his cheek, under his eyes, and her thumb comes back with some blood and  _ oh _ , he thinks, it must have been when he was digging his nails into his palm, because that’s something he used to do, something he hasn’t done in forever though, and he knows he’s worried his sister. Chim appears with a cloth, slightly damp, and she wipes under his eyes before nodding and stepping back, and then checking his hands and wiping those. It doesn’t take more than five minutes but to Buck, it feels so much longer, especially when he remembers everyone who's here, and he turns briefly, looking at a frowning Hen and an upset Eddie, and huh, how interesting, he thinks, before he looks back to Maddie, letting her take him to his couch, sitting down with her and taking in deep breaths.

He doesn’t know how long everyone is quiet, doesn’t know how to feel about everyone staring at him, and he Buck soon finds himself shifting on the couch, feeling uncomfortable and unsure. He can see how tense everyone is, and he can’t help but wonder if they’ve come here to berate him, to call him stupid, to tell him he’s being an idiot. And almost like nothing has changed in ten years, Buck feels Maddie squeeze his hand, and he looks at her with wide, scared eyes. 

“Evan,” he hears her say, and he takes in a deep breath, not looking away from her as she squeezes his hand once more, “Evan, I’m not letting you do this alone. Not again,” she whispers, and a small part of him whimpers, remembering the first time she left him alone and he looks at his sister while moving backwards, not sure if he can believe her completely. But as he does so, he finds himself looking around the room, watching everyone watch him before he looks down and away, unsure of how to react. 

But he’s not an idiot, and he knows that this is the moment where everything is going to have to change, and he needs to be okay with that, because otherwise -- well, otherwise, nothing is going to go well for him. 

Not like anything was going well for him in the first place, but --

“What are you guys doing here?” He finds himself asking, blinking sluggishly as he turns towards Chim, Hen and Eddie, surprise forming over his features when he realizes Hen had somehow managed to make all of them tea, meaning she’s found his secret stash of tea. Well, he guesses that specific cat is out of the bag, he thinks, picking up his mug and sipping slowly, letting the warmth flow through him and calm him down in ways he’s been missing since before the day of the tsunami. 

“You shouldn’t be here, not with the --”

“Screw the lawsuit, Buck,” Eddie interrupts, leaning forward from his spot on the couch with a small frown of anger on his features, and Buck finds himself confused once more, but he shakes his head, tries to get rid of the feeling. His heart pounds in his chest, and he’s positive everyone in the room can hear it, but they make no mention of it and he wonders if it’s ever going to calm down, especially when Eddie looks at him like he looked at him the night after the tsunami. Opening his mouth, he’s about to say  _ something _ , before Chim interrupts, and his eyes go straight to his other friend.

“We just don’t understand  _ why _ , Buck,” Chim says, voice quiet. Buck finds himself looking around, seeing Hen nodding and Eddie frowning, like he does understand but doesn’t understand why no one else does, and Maddie looking… furious, surprisingly. Not sure how to feel about any of this, Buck just lets out a breath of frustration, sips his tea once more and tries to relax, tries to find words to explain it.

“You guys don’t get it, do you?” He whispers after a few minutes of silence, a few minutes of feeling the warmth coming from his sister after he looked away from her. He lets out a small chuckle, so much being held in that chuckle, so much disbelief that he can’t help but shake his head and look at Chim and everyone else with wide eyes, trying not to show just how much he’s hurting.

A small scoff escapes from him as he pinches the bridge of his nose before looking at his sister and taking a deep breath. “Firefighting is  _ all _ that I have,” he says, shaking his head when everyone tries to speak over him, “No, shut up. Listen to me, for god damn once,” Buck interrupts, standing up and beginning to pace, ignoring the slight twinge of pain in his leg as he does so. He can feel his breathing get heavier, and Maddie notice, but he shakes his head at her, tells her with his eyes to remain seated, that he needs to do this.

“Firefighting is literally  _ all _ that I have. I never graduated college, I don’t have a family to go home to like you Hen, hell Chimney, you go home to my sister. There’s no backup plan for me. There was never a plan for me in the first place. Everything about me is accidental, from the moment I was conceived--” He breaks off here, sucking back a breath and ignoring the small whimper he hears from his sister, knowing she’s remembering all the times their Dad told him just that.

“When I say firefighting is all I have, I mean it. Because even if I did have a backup plan, I don’t have  _ anyone _ , either. I come home to an empty home, with no one waiting for me. When I say you guys are my family, I mean that, because there isn’t anyone else in this place for me.” Buck admits, voice wavering as he tries to even out his breathing, hands curled into fists at his side. He takes another breath before he stops pacing and sits down on the couch, staring at everyone, unable to not notice how they’re all staring at him in surprise.

“You guys are my family. You’re all I have. And I feel like you don’t realize how important that is to me,” Buck admits, closing his eyes and leaning into his sister, a sob breaking free, the room growing tense. “My dad was an abusive asshole, with his words and his fists, and my mom couldn’t handle that, so she left. And then Maddie, gods Maddie, I love you, but  _ you left too _ , and I was the only one left and it was during my formative years and it affected me a hell of a lot more than you think, Mads,” Buck says, voice breaking as he looks towards his sister and then away, eyes beginning to water. He takes another breath before looking towards Hen, Chim and Eddie.

“And you guys think you’re joking with your words, and your digs, but it’s not ok. Saying you don’t take me seriously, or that I’m only good as a bouncer, or just the tiny things like that? It hurts a lot more than you think, because that’s exactly what my dad would have done. And sure, you guys never knew, and you were joking, and sure, I could have told you I wasn’t okay with it, but -- during the times, it hurt, but it was fine. But that stuff always piles up and then --” Buck takes another breath here, grabbing his mug and taking a large sip of tea, cringing when he realizes it’s gotten slightly cold but doing nothing to fix it.

“And then I got injured, and it felt like no one was there for me. Yeah, you have your lives, and your kids, but only Maddie and Ally showed up at the hospital when I was injured. Carla appeared briefly, but none of you guys did. And that  _ hurt _ like hell, because everyone’s been there for everyone, so why was I so different?” Buck trails off, wiping his eyes as a few tears start to fall. He jumps when he feels a hand on his shoulder, smiling softly when he looks and sees Maddie closer to him, taking comfort in what she’s offering, like always.

“And then I had to get better, which meant not being around the firehouse often. But I was getting better, and it was fine, because Eddie, man, you and Christopher were there for me and dealing with me, and Bobby was there, and shit was  _ better _ . But then I had that pulmonary embolism, and it just felt like everything was spiraling backwards and it felt like I was all alone again, but I couldn’t focus on that, because then the tsunami happened, and --” Buck breaks off here, rubbing his face and panting as Maddie continuously rubs his back, knowing this isn’t easy for him. His eyes feel sore, and he knows if he looked in the mirror, they would be red, but he doesn’t, and just focuses on the people around him.

“I got over it though. I worked harder, I worked better, and the doctors cleared me. They cleared me, and they did so weeks ago, but I still wasn’t able to come back to work, so I finally sucked it up and begged for my job back and to do light duty, and that worked, and I was  _ fine _ .” Buck begins, hands clenching in front of him as he remembers the hurt he felt when he found out the truth.

“And then I got to the firehouse, and my name was taped over -- not even completely, just the B was left, which  _ what _ , and then that same person is calling you Diaz, which you say you never respond to, and Bobby is telling me there’s still a hold up, and --” Buck stops and takes another breath, another sip, feeling like there’s nothing but judgement coming from everyone, though he knows that that’s not true, not when they’re all staring at him like they’re hurting as well.

“And then I feel hopeful, and Bobby says  _ he’s _ the reason why I’m not working. He’s the one who is telling everyone I’m not ready, when that’s not his choice to make. The doctors have cleared me, as has the psychiatrist. It’s not his choice, and I’m not him. And yes, I realize that going forth with the lawsuit means possibly losing the only people I see as my family, but --” Buck stops, a sob breaking free as Maddie wraps her arms around him and he tries to continue. “But this wasn’t his choice - he had no right to keep me from my job, or to lie to me about it. And god, I miss you guys, but in my eyes, I’d already lost you, because none of you could see how much pain I was in, or if you could, it seemed like you didn’t care and I had already been replaced, so I had nothing else to lose, other than Chris, and I made damn sure to tell him that if I wasn’t around, it wasn’t because of him, it wasn’t  _ his _ fault, it wasn’t--” Buck begins, panicking fully now until he sees Eddie kneeling in front of him, hands on his cheeks, holding him steady, saying something that he can’t exactly understand, not until he’s calmed down slightly.

“Can you hear me?’ Eddie asks, and Buck nods, looking around, surprised to see Hem and Chim close to him also, tears in Hen’s eyes and sadness in Chimney’s. He can still feel Maddie rubbing his back, and he takes comfort in that before he looks at Eddie, wondering.

“Okay, there’s...a  _ lot _ to unpack here,” Eddie chuckles lightly, his head thumb rubbing against the underside of Buck’s chin and he finds himself calming down slightly, shrugging his shoulders, not sure what he can really say to that, because yeah, he unloaded a lot of information on them.

“I think the first thing I want to say is that I’m so sorry, Evan,” Eddie says, his voice soft as Buck looks at him and sucks back a breath. “I’m sorry that I couldn’t see how you were truly struggling, how much I was letting you down. I wish I had known better, but I didn’t. That’s something I’m always going to regret, because it made you feel like you weren’t enough for us, as a teammate, and a family member, and for  _ me _ , as someone I could see spending my future with,” Eddie admits, and Buck sucks back another breath, eyes widening, feeling like he’s been punched in the gut, exactly the way he did when Eddie said he trusted him with Christopher.

“Oh,” he finds himself whispering, before Eddie steps away and he frowns.

“I’m still here. I just… whatever else I need to say is more private, so I’m letting Chim and Hen go now,” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, looking towards Hen, who has a small smile on her face, and Chim, who looks to be grinning between the two of them.

“Buck, sweetie, I’m so sorry. None of realized what you were going through, and none of us tried to realize it, either, and we’re going to be apologizing to you for that for a real long time about that,” she adds, looking away thoughtfully before kneeling down in front of him like Eddie had been.

“And you’re right, it absolutely wasn’t up to Cap to decide to keep you from working. I don’t know what he was thinking, but he should have talked to you sooner, and you can ask him tomorrow. I’ll be calling him tonight, that’s for sure, to give him a piece of my mind, but you have every right to be upset,” Hen admits and Buck nods, letting out a breath slowly, not sure what else could happen tonight. He sees Chim kneeling out of the corner of his eye and looks towards him, and then back to Hen, before Chim speaks next.

“You’re not replaceable, Buck. You’re our family just as much as we’re yours. And I’m sorry we were shitty in showing you that. You were dealt a shitty hand, and you persevered through it. You’re one of the best men I know, you know. You’re one of my heroes, man,” Chim admits with a soft smile and Buck smiles back, not sure he believes him one hundred percent, but feeling like his words are true anyways. “And man, Buck, we’re not mad at you at all for going through with this suit. We actually understand. Sure, we wish you had told us beforehand so we could be forewarned, but we get it. And we’re on your side. You should be back with us, one of us again.” Chim adds and Buck feels his heart soar, looking towards all three of his friends and smiling softly, not sure what he could say to express his gratitude. 

He lets out a small laugh and a small sob, shaking his head as Maddie’s hand slows on his back, rubbing his face as he feels exhausted before remembering Hen’s words. ‘What did you mean, Hen, by you’ll be calling Cap tonight?” He asks, a hiccough escaping as the others laugh.

“We’ve kind of uh, been recording this conversation with Athena on the other line,” Hen admits and Buck lets out another chuckle, rubbing his face before smiling softly when he hears Athena’s voice on the phone that Hen had carefully pulled out of her jacket pocket.

“I expect to see you nice and early, Buck,” he hears Athena say and he lets out another laugh before confirming that, watching as Hen ends the call, but not before he hears Athena begin to chew out Bobby for everything. Part of him panics at the thought of having to face the two of them tomorrow, of having to deal with Bobby’s looks now that he  _ knows _ , but before he can get too caught up in that thought, he feels Maddie squeeze his shoulder, and looks towards her, smiling.

“You brought them here, didn’t you?” He questions, his voice soft as he feels his heart soar when she nods her head and moves to sit next to him, arms wrapping around his shoulders as she leans against him.

“I didn’t want you to go through this alone, Evs. I didn’t want to fail you again, not with something this big, like I did when I left. At first, I was going to separate myself from Chim for a few days, but… he found out why and didn’t want that,” Maddie whispers and Buck finds himself wrapping his arms around her, nearly sobbing with relief that he feels after everything that he’s been through. They remain like that for a couple of minutes, everyone else giving them space before Maddie pulls away and kisses the top of his head.

“Breakfast tomorrow? Or Lunch?” Maddie questions, and Buck nods, smiling.

“I’ll text you when I’m done with Bobby and Athena,” he whispers and Maddie nods, kissing the top of his head once more before pulling away completely.

“And you’ll tell me everything about Eddie and tonight right?” She teases and Buck lets out a soft laugh, nodding his head as his heart began to pound in his chest. He says goodbye to Chim, who had arrived with Maddie, and Hen, who had to get back to Karen for their shots, eventually leaving just Eddie, who is staring at him in a way that causes Buck to sweat.

“So,” Buck begins, stepping forward, slightly hesitant and slightly cocksure, “You can see having a future with me?” He asks, a small smirk forming on his face even though he doesn’t feel as confident as he’s putting out there. His heart pounds heavily in his chest as he steps closer towards Eddie, folding his arms in front of him in case this goes terribly wrong. He notices Eddie stepping closer to him also, a small smile on his face, though it’s not as bright as it could be and that makes Buck feel sad himself, wondering if there’s anything that can change that fact.

“Let’s sit down, yeah?” Eddie asks, heading towards the couch that Buck has and sitting on it, waiting for Buck to follow, which he does without hesitance. Buck knows there’s nothing to be afraid of, knows that after what Eddie said earlier, he has nothing to worry about, but there’s still something small inside of him that is worried, and Buck’s not surprised that Eddie has seemed to pick up on it. They’re best friends for a reason, Buck thinks, and his heart soars once more when Eddie moves closer to him, fingers tangling with his own as Eddie squeezes his hand.

“You know how sorry I am, right?” Eddie whispers, and Buck looks away from their hands and into Eddie’s eyes, nodding slightly as his heart calms down and his friend frowns slightly before arching his eyebrows. His head tilts, and he waits, opening and closing his mouth as he tries to think of a response before he shrugs. Buck wants to know, but he also knows there’s something in him that’s always going to be unsure, and that’s not something that’s going to change at the drop of a dime. Or a hat. Whatever, Buck’s not good with analogies. 

“I mean --” Buck responds, looking down, shame forming on his face quickly before he feels Eddie tilt his head upwards by his chin, moving even closer.

“Evan--” Eddie begins, and Buck can’t stop himself from watching Eddie’s adams apple bob. Part of him wants to kiss it, wants to forget this conversation but he knows if they do that without talking, a lot of miscommunication could happen. 

“You have no idea how sorry I am. Sorry that I couldn’t see how much help you needed, that I couldn’t see how much you were hiding. I’m especially sorry that I wasn’t there for you, and that I made you feel like you were alone. Because you’re not, Buck. You have me. Even with the lawsuit, you have me. I understand why you’re doing it, and I could never hate you for it. Especially since you were feeling so betrayed,” Eddie finishes and something inside of Buck feels free, feels like there’s someone who finally understands what he’s been going through and thinking and  _ feeling _ , and god, isn’t that refreshing.

Looking at Eddie, Buck finds himself feeling completely calm, and it scares him, because in his eyes he sees home, and that’s not something he’s ever let himself want to have, not even with Abby, based off the fear that he’ll end up like his parents. But something in him tells him Eddie would never let that happen and --- it’s nice, he admits.

“And Buck? No matter what, no one could ever replace you. Even if you can’t work with us -- I will only ever trust you to have my back, alright?” Eddie whispers and Buck nods, a small smile forming on his face as he remembers most of the insecurities he felt when Eddie had walked away from him and towards the new person. “And I don’t care enough about her to tell her to call me Eddie,” he adds, voice barely a whisper, moving in closer to Buck as Buck let out a startled laugh, having forgotten about that moment in his speech.

Eddie lets out his own laugh, before his other hand comes up and rests on Buck’s neck, and Buck calms down, watching the older man carefully, curiosity running through him.

“I thought I lost you Buck. When you fell, after the tsunami. I thought I lost you, and Christopher. And I never want that to happen again. I never want to go a moment without knowing whether or not we’ll be going home together. So yeah, nene, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you. Preferably romantically, but if you don’t feel the --” Buck surges forward at those words, placing his lips onto Eddies, moving his hands to Eddie’s neck and bringing the man even closer to his body, tongue probing forward, requesting access to the man’s mouth, moaning when it’s granted. Buck finds himself getting lost in the kiss, especially once Eddie starts participating, their hands roaming one another’s bodies as Buck gently pushes Eddie down and begins kissing the other man more thoroughly than before. Buck can feel himself getting hard in his pants, but he ignores the urge and want he feels for his best friend, just happy to kiss him like this, like there’s nothing wrong and everything is perfect.

Eventually though, Buck has to breath, so he finds himself slowing down the kisses, removing his mouth from Eddie’s and slowly trailing down his neck and kissing him there before pulling away with a grin. He’s surprised to find Eddie just as hard as he is, wonders if maybe they should do something about it, but focuses on the other man instead, who is only staring at him with his own smile.

“Why don’t we go upstairs, Buck. Relax, talk some more, and then sleep. Sounds like you’re going to have a pretty big day tomorrow,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself nodding, standing up and grabbing Eddie’s hand, the two of them slowly making their up the stairs to Buck’s bed. Slowly, the two of them change -- Eddie into some spare shorts that Buck has laying around -- and then brush their teeth before getting into Buck’s bed, changing positions a few times until they’re both comfortable.

Their legs are tangled, and they kiss one another a few more times, Eddie sometimes whispering words of comfort to Buck as he mentions more of his insecurities before eventually, the two of them fall asleep, wrapped in one another’s arms.

* * *

The next morning, Buck finds himself slowly waking up, his left arm numb and a nice breeze on his back. He comes to the world slowly, eyes blinking at the sunlight, wondering why he’s in his bed in the first place, especially since he hasn’t been able to fall asleep properly in a long time, especially for a long time. Buck finds himself burrowing more into his bed, feeling completely at peace and comfortable before he realizes there’s a body on top of his arm, and that’s why it’s numb. He blinks his eyes open completely before dropping his mouth open in surprise at the sight of Eddie next to him before he grins, remembering what happened in the middle of the night.

He thought that was a dream, a dream that hadn’t been turned into a nightmare at one point like most of his dreams had the past few weeks, but he’s so thankful it was real. Part of him wanted to pinch himself but he doesn’t, choosing instead to burrow into Eddie and sigh gratefully. He knows he should wake up completely, since he needs to meet Bobby and Athena, but he finds himself too comfortable in the bed and the warmth Eddie provides, and he slips back into sleep, a small smile on his face.

* * *

The next time Buck wakes up, it’s to Eddie jostling him, hand on his shoulder, face peering close to his own. Buck continues to smile, whispering a small hi before stretching his arms upwards, the blanket on his bed falling past his hips, causing him to grin when he notices Eddie watching.

“See something you like?” He teases, grinning when Eddie laughs and hums, leaning forward to kiss Buck. Buck moaned into the kiss, not caring about his morning breath as he brings Eddie closer, noticing that Eddie’s already brushed his teeth, which eventually causes Buck to pull away, beginning to feel his own breath.

“Let me up, brush my teeth. Then we can continue this,” he states softly, patting Eddie’s bicep with a grin while Eddie steps backwards. He’s not in the bathroom for long before he’s returning to his best friend, moving forward to kiss him, getting lost in the feel of Eddie’s lips on his, Eddie’s hands on his waist, bodies pressed tight against one another. He doesn’t know how long they’re kissing before Eddie breaks away, the two of them panting, grinning.

“You need to shower. And then eat. And then you need to meet Bobby. And we’re going with you. We’re not letting you do this alone any longer, especially me. I’d be a bad boyfriend if I did,” Eddie whispers, and Buck feels himself soaring, feeling so high, in a way he hasn’t felt since the night the two of them first worked together.

“Boyfriend?” Buck whispers with a smile, letting it become a grin when Eddie nods his head and hums, a small laugh escaping from him.

“Good,” he whispers back, moving forward to kiss Eddie lightly before pulling away in confusion, “We’re not letting me do this alone?” He asks, eyebrows furrowing together while Eddie laughs.

“Hen, Chim and Maddie are meeting us at Bobby’s. They said they wanted to give Bobby a piece of their minds for everything also,” Eddie says and Buck feels something warm coursing through him. He can’t help but wonder why he ever thought they were replacing him, why he ever thought they weren’t his family, but he knows it’s a mistake he’s never going to make again. Or well, try not to make. After a few minutes though, the two of them get moving, kissing one another a few times during their minutes getting ready. Breakfast is a quick affair, mainly because both men know Athena probably has something for them already out, and the shower was one of the quickest Buck had ever taken, not wanting to leave Eddie out there for too long.

They were eventually on their way over to Athena and Bobby’s home, Buck getting more and more nervous the closer they got. Eddie tried his best to distract him, telling him about Christopher the past week, how much he was missed, where he was today (his Abuela’s), and what he wanted to do next week. It worked, for a little while, but eventually, Buck was getting more nervous the closer they got, to the point where, when they finally arrived at Athena and Bobby’s, Buck couldn’t stop shaking his leg, couldn’t find a way to calm his breathing, not even realizing his breathing wasn’t calm, even when the door to the car on his side was thrown open and Maddie was wrapping her arms around his shoulders. He can hear her saying something, but he doesn’t hear what she’s saying, just that eventually she’s removing the seat belt from around him, and moving him slightly so his back is against her chest, and huh, suddenly he’s breathing fine and he hasn’t had one of those in a long time.

He can feel Maddie’s arms loosen from around his shoulders, and he sees Eddie looking at him carefully, Maddie looking at him with a frown and Hen and Chim trying hard not to look at him at all, which he doesn’t mind for a moment like this. Buck sucks back a breath and nods his head before smiling at Eddie and squeezing his sister’s hand, thanking her in his own way, telling her he’s alright. He steps out of the car, and while he’s still nervous, he knows he has everyone here this time, that he’s not actually alone.

Stepping up to the door, he takes a deep breath, knocking on it before releasing it, smiling when Athena opens the door and arches her eyebrows at everyone surrounding him before stepping aside and letting them into her home. Buck tries hard not to look around the home, like he wasn’t inside of it just almost two weeks before, focusing instead on Eddie’s hand in his, which Athena notices and smirks at.

“Finally,” she whispers, with Buck shrugging, a grin of his own forming as his body relaxes and Eddie chuckles. All of them make their way to the dining table, enough chairs around to make sure everyone can sit comfortably, Bobby standing up when they arrive before sitting when they sit. The entire table is silent, an awkwardness settling between everyone while Buck tries his best to look at anything and anyone other than Bobby. 

“Someone better talk and say something before I get out my spoon,” Athena mutters and Buck can’t stop himself from laughing out loud, rubbing his face tiredly. Yeah, he slept well last night, after Eddie came upstairs, but that wasn’t enough sleep, and his eyes hurt from all of the crying he’s done, and will probably do again. He feels something in him snap, his body relaxing completely like he’s no longer a tight string waiting to be snipped. Buck looks up at Bobby and shakes his head, wiping his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he says, breathing, before squaring his shoulders, “But I’m not sorry for doing this. I’m sorry for hurting you. But it felt like you didn’t want me around, like you didn’t  _ trust _ me, even though all of the doctor’s cleared me. I’m not you Bobby. I know I look up to you, and I’m thankful you let me, but I’m not going to make the same mistakes you did. I’m going to make my own. And not only that, but you have to let me, Cap. I understand you were worried, and you were looking out for the team, and everyone on it, and even me, but you shouldn’t have made a decision about me, without me,” Buck says, his voice strong and sure and he knows he’s surprised  _ everyone _ , and he feels so much pride at that.

“You didn’t though, and it was disrespectful. And I felt like I had no choice, Cap. I should’ve talked to you though, should’ve talked to everyone,” Buck trails off, shoulders shrugging as he has no idea what else he can say. The room remains quiet for a few minutes, before Bobby nods and lets out a small sigh.

“You’re right. I was worried, and I didn’t… I should have handled it better, Buck. And I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I made you believe you were replaceable, if we’re going on last night, also. Because that wasn’t my intentions. I just… I need you to get better, kid. And I need you to be better than me, and that scares me.” Bobby begins, before trailing off and then looking towards his wife and letting out another small breath, continuing onwards, “I can’t promise that this won’t happen again, but I can promise to try my hardest to make sure it doesn’t. To talk to you about things, especially when they regard your job. I’m just sorry this had to happen for me to see how my treatment wasn’t fair,” he finishes and Buck nods, biting his lower lip, not sure what else he could say, especially since Bobby heard everything he said last night.

“Well then, how about we eat some snacks, maybe talk about the fact that Eddie and Buck are holding hands,” Athena teases and Buck finds himself laughing, alongside everyone else, Bobby’s eyes lighting up with something teasing.

“You do know there’s going to have to be paperwork, right?” He says and Buck nods, groaning slightly before laughing. He looks around, surrounded by his family, and feels himself completely at peace, watching as everyone laughs at whatever Hen is saying and Chim is acting out. Looking towards Bobby, he’s surprised to find the older man looking back at him with a soft smile and from that moment, Buck knows everything’s going to be alright. He’ll call the lawyer, cancel the lawsuit, let it go to arbitration or something, and the team will work for a better future. Smiling back, Buck turns towards Eddie, grinning when he spots Eddie looking at him, squeezing his hand and kissing the top of his head, ignoring the coos from everyone else.

Yeah. Everything will be fine, now. 

**Author's Note:**

> Whooooo, that was insane, right? I hope you enjoyed. I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts on this story - what did you like? Not like? Favorite lines? Thoughts in general? Tell me, because I'm super proud of this. Come find me on tumblr, [here](https://laumeidelfin.tumblr.com), if you want to talk more in depth.


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